Tight Fist Tip #12: Stop Being a Drug Addict

Beware Dangerous Junkies!

If you have just read the title of this article and are now looking doubtfully at your primed syringe of heroin, I'm not sure I can be of much use at this point. Maybe some of my hard-core drug user fans were using this blog as a way to save pennies toward the next fix, but I think you guys are missing the point.

Instead, let's focus on caffeine. Coffee drinkers of the world, man up and face the facts: YOU ARE A DRUG ADDICT. And if you are reading this blog, YOU ARE NOT RICH ENOUGH TO BE A DRUG ADDICT. In today's society it is only socially acceptable to be a drug addict if you are a stock broker, rock star, or prep school trust fund baby. (Also, you have to be white.)

Thank The Addicts for Free Bathrooms Around the Globe

And if you are the type who pops into Starbucks or Costa every day to get your drug fix, you are failing at life. Only a complete moron would a) get addicted to drugs and then b) choose the most expensive way possible to consume such drug. While I'm sure that the highly trained 17-year-old 'Master Barista' at your local Starbucks is really good at pressing buttons on the coffee machine, something tells me you could figure that crap out at home. Man, these cafes have really got it figured out. If only I could find some addictive but socially acceptable drug to peddle on every street corner that would be sweet. (Any ideas? These dudes already stole my best one.)

And really, if you were going to be a drug addict couldn't you pick something more fun than caffeine anyway? I mean, I know some people love to be all jittery and awake, but if I was paying four bucks a cup I would expect at least a bit of euphoria.

Finally, if you are a nicotine addict don't think you are off the hook. I just thought picking on you would be too easy, like challenging a paraplegic to one-on-one.